Stunned

Less than 20 minutes ago I was told that at the age of 35, the only way I would have children of my own is to go through a procedure that I'm not sure I am morally secure with. Stunned? You betcha, like a bird that sees a beautiful, dream like sky and only realizes after he falls to the ground with a crack in his beak that it was a REALLY clean window reflection.



I know that God is in control of everything, but how do I tell my husband? How do I tell my friends and family that have been rooting for us through all the stupid and embarassing tests? What do I tell them when they ask the hard questions? I suppose if I use big medical words they'll react like I did and just shut down for a bit trying to comprehend it all. Why do doctors use these crazy, big medical words when describing a diagnosis? I think it's the stun factor. If you are stunned they can finish what they have to say and either hang up or leave the room before you start crying. I don't really blame them though...how do you comfort someone who has just been told they have cancer or some other incurable disease?



Don't get me wrong, I'm not comparing my blocked fallopian tubes to medical diagnosis that ends in someone's death. I am for the moment, however, comparing it to a diagnosis that ends in the death of a dream. Do I want to go through the expense, the procedures, the moral ambiguity of invitro fertilization? Do I want to do everything I possible can to produce a child that is a combination of me and my husband? Do I want to potentially regret not having done everything I could to realize the second half of the dream I've had since childhood?



I'm sure, not long from now, I will return to my secure faith and belief that God has a perfect plan for us. Until then, I will just let it all hang out and be honest with my feelings. I'm scared, I'm stressed, I'm nervous, I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm sad and I'm relieved. I'm relieved because now I understand. After three years of early morning thermometer appointments, daily charting and perfectly timed trips to the bedroom I finally understand why I don't have a child to show for it.

It's been awhile and for all of you that long for another chapter in the RuleNazi saga, I apologize.

Now that I've gotten my dose of narcisism out of the way I hope you'll forgive me and we can all move on.  

I haven't posted anything in awhile, cuz quite frankly nothing has ticked me off much the past month or so.  Either that or it was just too exhausting to deal with mentally that I couldn't force myself to sit down and blog about it.  Course, now that I think about it....there were a few things that set me off.  Here's a slightly creative and trying to avoid naming names description of each...

1. I nearly slugged someone who not only always has to be right and will argue with you until you pass out to prove their point, was also talking smack about one of my best friends. 

2. Someone I trusted, broke that trust and a friend's heart.  Now, that may not sound like much but if you know me, you know that trust is not easily gained and once lost takes a LONG time regain.

3. A friend who asks me constantly and repeatedly for advice has constantly and repeatedly ignored it and then wants me to listen to her sad stories and commiserate.  

4. Another friend just hired a divorce lawyer, because her husband chose marihoochie over her and their children.  (Who is dumb enough to choose incoherency and binge snacking over the love and adoration of their family?)

5. I started a new business that I'm excited about but have surprisingly run into a lot of self-righteous, closeminded and ignorant individuals (mostly women if you can believe it! *insert sarcasm here*).

6.My dog has suddenly decided that pushing the envelope, to see how much she can get away with in a 24 hour time frame, is her new favorite entertainment.  Do dogs get dementia?

Other than that, it's been a pretty good six weeks or so.  How about you?

lost it...

Okay, I had a fabulous post here about idiots in bad weather....and it vanished.  I'm sorry.  I got all the frustration out the first time I wrote it.  Guess I'll have to find something else to vent about.  (*sniff*)  No one is as devestated as me.