Delays, Dilemmas and Dissociation

Well, the appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist that was supposed to happen Friday, didn't. Thanks to the local university that I attend full time, my insurance will be changing the second week of August, thereby changing all of our plans. Not only does the insurance coverage change, so will the clinic we will use, the date of our initial visit and quite possibly the amount we will have to pay. The upside is, we may actually be better off with that last change.



I'm surprisingly peaceful at this point. I have established my personal thoughts and beliefs regarding IVF and everything related to this treatment. My husband however, is still on the fence. Poor man, I hurt for him as he struggles to decipher his own feelings while balancing those feelings with his love for me. I've said everything I can say on the subject. We are a team and will make this decision together. I pray that we both settle on the same desire, whatever that may be. Being the consistent, logical and low-key man that he is means he'll most likely reserve judgement until we've heard everything the doctor has to say.



I've recently been doing some research into books and articles written by "christian" authors and am finding through the reviews by readers that there are a lot of very unhappy, disillusioned and grief stricken women traveling the same road that we are. I keep asking myself if there is something wrong with me that I'm not destroyed by this diagnosis. Should I be more upset? Should I be more depressed?



We have a very solid marriage and my husband is my best friend. We love spending time together and are always looking for new ways to have fun and strengthen our relationship. We already are a beautiful family and don't feel that something is "missing" from our lives because we don't have a child. We view children as a wonderful bonus and blessing from God but not as a requirement for happiness or completeness. This certainly doesn't diminish my desire for children any, rather it makes me secure in the knowledge that we offer a strong, loving atmosphere for a child to grow and learn in.



This, paradoxically, leads me to one of my fears...Do I want it bad enough?

Is my peace and contentment with my husband like a jinx to my dream of a child? Or worse yet, is it the Holy Spirit telling me we are meant to be childless and I just haven't recognized his voice yet?

A year or so into our marriage I had this sudden, gut wrenching, to-the-core-of-my-being feeling that I wouldn't be able to have children. Nothing had happened in my life to make me think this way. There was no medical history, personally or ancestrally, that would lead to this conclusion and we hadn't even tried for a baby yet. But there it was. I told my husband about it and being a man (meaning he has never experienced women's intuition), chided me and told me I was being silly. So I put it out of my head as best as I could. Of course it was simmering in the back of my head until one day in the shower (why do all my best talks with God happen in the shower?) I felt as though His voice said to me "I didn't make you wait 30 years for the man I had for you to then deny you the corresponding desire for children". It was liberating, intoxicating and cause for rejoicing! Right up to the moment I was told my tubes were blocked and my husband wasn't sure about "playing God" with medical procedures.



Is this peace I have from God? Or is it simply dissociation?