What Would Jesus Do?

Well, He sure as heck wouldn't wear a cheesy t-shirt with some self-righteous message on it.  And he wouldn't forward emails to all his Christian friends (who aren't the ones who need it anyway).

He's not going to love me more if I forward an email.  He loves me more than anyone already.

He's not going to answer my prayer if I forward an email.  He answers prayers when you ask sincerely and with the right motivation.

He's not going to heal me if I forward an email.  See answers to prayers above.

Wearing a "Christian" t-shirt is not a witness....your daily attitude and lifestyle are.   Message T-shirts shouldn't be necessary.

Bumper stickers don't save lives....love and compassion do.  Bumper stickers just look tacky and leave a sticky mess on your car.  

Wearing a cross doesn't mean you get a one way ticket to heaven.. .. believing in the One who died on it for you does.

No follower of Christ should ever have to put something on their physical body to show the world who their God is.  It should be on our face, in our attitude, inspire our compassion and make people want to be like you and near you....not run away from you like you're selling magazine subscriptions.

 

Things I've Learned so Far this Holiday Season

1) I don't like having other people in my kitchen.

My darling husband of course is no problem, but I discovered that I really don't like having other people using my stuff, washing my stuff and attempting to put my stuff away.  Completely ungrateful I know....but seriously, I just have to hunt for it and put it away correctly later.

2)  I hate giving/getting gifts because the calendar says to.

We have decided not to exchange Christmas gifts with each other.  Frustration, not so much with the commercialization of Christmas, but the entitlement mentality we have observed around us has turned us off of the "giving spirit" around calendar specific holidays. 

I've always hated Valentine's day for the same reason.  I would rather have flowers some other time of the year when it's not a contest to see who gets the best flower arrangment or the cutest stuffed animal delivered to work.  (actually I'd rather not get flowers since I'm allergic, but I've never heard of someone getting hives from diamonds....wink,wink)  Getting gifts because it is expected sucks.  If someone wants to give me a gift then it better be because they found something that made them think of me.....not just something to wrap up that a blind & deaf monkey who has never met me might pick out.  

Plus, all you can find around the holidays are cheap, cheesy bath product gift baskets that no one really wants.

I would be totally fine not receiving gifts at all if the only other option is gifts that are a waste of money because I won't use them.  Now, don't confuse this opinion with me wanting to write a list of things I want.  That also takes the personal thought out of the equation for the giver.  If you can't find something that YOU think I would want, then don't buy anything.  Save your money.  Of course there is the flip side of that....if  you don't think highly enough of someone to know a little about what the like then why are you buying them gifts?  

3) My husband is my lifeline.

If I get stressed out while fixing Thanksgiving dinner because I can't find the chili powder I just used the night before, he will always be there to give me a hug and calm me down....then proceed to find the chili powder (not the one I used the night before, but it'll do the job).

4) Despite coming from the same parents, my brother and I have some totally different fundatmental beliefs.

I don't have anything else to add to this....I'm still processing.

5) I'm am completey blessed with the most amazing immediate, extended and married-into family.

I had both sides of the family to my house for the festivities this Thanksgiving and it was awesome.   Everyone gets along, actually enjoys each other and no one complained about the lack of turkey!  (We had some rocking Texas Brisket Chili with Butternut Squash that I found in the October 2008 Bon Apetite'){this explains the need for chili powder}

6) I don't remember growing up as fast as my nieces and nephews are

Seriously, wasn't it just last Christmas we were buying toy horses for my niece?  And my nephew is now taller than me and his voice is deeper than my husbands.  Am I getting olderthat fast too?!?!

7)  My sister-in-law (married to my brother) looks good and is comfortable in anything!

I don't want to talk about this one....it depresses me.

8) "Sock gifts" are not in fact a gift of socks.  

They are pretty much the same as stocking stuffers.  Although, I think my husband may have gotten socks at one point as a "sock gift".  I also heard he got some lipstick once.

9) There are infinite renditions of "Baby It's Cold Outside"

Seriously, we listen to Pandora when we're home and had it tuned to all the fun Christmas music stations for the festive atmosphere.  Here is the link to an extensive list of all the artist duet who have recorded it since it's debut in 1944. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby,_It's_Cold_Outside

10) Christmas cactus' don't always bloom at Christmas.

Sometimes they bloom at Thanksgiving, or Easter or my birthday.  Basically if they get cold consistently for a few days they start to bloom.  Don't know what a Christmas cactus is? Here's an interesting site to get you in the know... http://www.humeseeds.com/xmasccts.htm

Massage!!!

Okay, so I officially have the sweetest husband ever. After a couple weeks of leaning over a drafting board, trying to finish a project for studio and staying up late in front of my laptop to finish a powerpoint presentation (due the same day as the project no less) my husband gave up. He could no longer keep up with the knots, masses and crunchy areas in my upper back, shoulders and neck so he made an appointment for me with a massage therapist he works with.

She was amazing! Last night, the way I slept was amazing! Today I feel amazing! During the massage.....I was biting back swear words and trying not to hit anyone. Seriously.

I've never really understood what people were talking about when discussing painful procedures...you know what I mean....that impulse to punch whoever was pulling your tooth, adjusting your back, waxing your hoo-haw or filing your fingernail down to a nubbin' while talking on her cell phone. Well, now my friends, I understand.

This sweet, wonderful girl who was willing to drive to my home to help me....almost got decked. It wasn't her fault. She had already put up with my screams, my moans and my laughter (does anyone else laugh when they hurt?) when she found it....that abyss of pain located somewhere in my right buttock. Imagine a red hot knitting needle being poked into your backside where your thigh bone connects to your hip bone. You just just scrunched up your face didn't you? That's only a fraction of the pain I was feeling.

I know you are asking yourself "Didn't she say that it was her neck and shoulders that were the issue?" Well, you are correct. That is what I said, but apparently my husband was right when he said "So, the head is directly connected to the butt." It basically boils down to this....if your hips are out of whack, everything connected to it is most likely out of whack as well. Since I've suffered with sciatic issues for years now....it was no surprise to find my hips/butt/etc. were out of whack.

Back to my butt....(heehee). She spent the majority of 60 minutes working on my glutes. I begged her not to show my husband the hot spots. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night with him poking me in the hip cuz he's tired of hearing me snore. She kept telling me to take a deep breath and go to my happy place. That's when you know the pain is coming!

Btw, if anyone ever tells you to take a deep breath, expect something bad to happen as you exhale.

So while I was chanting "Coldstone Creamery" to myself, she finished her torture...uh, ministrations on my booty. When she finished, she did this amazing smash my face with her palms thing and left the room for me to recover. I wondered briefly if I should be grossed out that she'd been rubbing my rear then smooshed my face with those same hands. Since it's my butt and I took a shower just before she arrived, I decided to let it go. After deep breathing and a quick prayer, I sat up slowly and slid off the table. Huh, no pain. What do you know?

As soon as I saw my husband he got a big kiss and a directive....you will take me to Marketplace for sweet potato fries and then to Coldstone Creamery for some Cake Batter Batter Batter ice cream. He smiled sweetly, kissed me soundly and smacked me on the rear as he left the room to get his keys.

Diapers and Doe pee

Never tell a pregnant woman why you can't come to her baby shower.  And if you do, make sure you are out of her firing range as well as that of the shower hostess(es).  

I'm throwing a baby shower for one of my best friends in the world this weekend.  Now for all of you who have taken the time and care to plan a shower, you understand the frustrations cause by all those lameass people who "forget" to RSVP and show up anyway, RSVP but DON'Tshowd up, or respectfully decline because (insert lameass reason here).  If you don't want to go to a baby shower just own up to it....or better yet, suck it up and show your friend/co-worker/relative that you care about her and support her.  You really don't even have to bring a gift.  (But if you do make sure it's something from the registry!  But that's another topic, I digress.)  Just your presence shows that you care enough about her and her feelings to take a couple hours out of your oh- so- busy schedule to be a good friend.  

I know, I know... playing those stupid shower gamesis like gouging your eyes out with grapefruit spoons.  I hate them so much I never have them at the showers I throw.  We just sit around eating yummy food and living vicariously through the guest of honor while she opens all those thoughtful (read:from the registry) gifts.  Again, I digress.

This wonderful friend of mine is the sweetest person on the planet.  Seriously, even our eye doctor in common told me so.  So when someone tells her they won't be at her shower (instead of calling the hostess who is trying to plan food, favors and chair rentals) she just smiles sweetly and says something gracious and understanding so they don't feel guilty.  I love this about her, really I do.  It's one of those traits that makes her capable of putting up with me. :-)  I, on the other hand, have decided it's probably wise that they didn't call me to decline.  And this is why.....the reasons and excuses given when they won't be there.

Here are two of the reasons people have declined:  (keep in mind they are telling this to her face)

I'm sorry, I won't be able to attend.  There is a Razorbacks game that day. (two people said this!)

I'm sorry, hunting season starts that day.

(P.S. For all you hunters who know your seasons, this was for a shower in November.) (P.P.S. The date was changed to accomodate those who felt adminstering death more important than celebrating life.)

So, basically because I'm so protective of my peeps, I would like to send all of these people bags of flaming poo!  Anyone would have their feelings hurt by such horrific behavior (I KNOW your momma taught you better!).  I now have the task of trying to be nice to these people, in the event we are ever in the same place and I am introduced to them.  I even toyed briefly with the idea of sending short notes, but my friend (and my husband) would be moritified.

Ladies, consider the feelings of your friend (and keep in mind she might be hormonal) and deal with it.  And if you can't attend the shower because "something better came along" for God's sake....DON'T TELL  HER!!!!!!

Stupid Psuedo-Bloggers

Okay, so I am one of those stupid psuedo-bloggers who starts a blog, tells all their friends and then proceeds to go two months between slightly entertaining blogs. I have the same excuses as everyone else: too busy, slow computer, nothing interesting to say, etc. So today I'm just going to make a list of things that bug me and therefore may be blogged about in the future. Here goes....

1. Rude college boys
2. Senior citizen drivers in large, indestructible cars
3. Teenagers with nicer cars than me
4. People who won't hold the elevator if if you're withing 10 feet of the thing
5. Restaurant servers that put everone on one ticket without asking
6. Gas stations in remote locations that hike their prices "because they can"
7. People who assume, because it's election season, that everyone wants to talk politics
8. People who don't recognize social cues like no eye contact and simply ingoring them
9. People who insist everything be done their way
10.People who drive under the speed limit because they are preoccupied on their cell phone
11. Girls who wear tight white pants with black and white polka dot undies
12. People who just sit there sniffling and sniveling instead of going to the bathroom and BLOWING THEIR NOSE!!!! For the love, I promise the teacher won't be offended!

Okay, that exhausts my ranting for now.

Culture Club

Have you ever noticed that there is a "mechanic" culture? You know what I mean. No matter where you go you can spot a mechanic within 50 feet....even before checking his nails for telltale grease residue. Is it the hair, the clothes or the attitude? Maybe it's a mixture of the three.

I know that not all mechanics look alike or fall into this category, but there is still an obvious culture just the same. So I ask you three simple questions which arise from this subject.

Why do the majority of mechanics have long, unkempt hair or a mullet?
Why do they all love heavy metal?
Why do they all drive the "it" cars from the 80's?

You know, even Jon Bon Jovi has updated his look over the years. He still has rocker hair but have you ever imagined him with a short 'do? Seriously, it's not just a rocker thing...he needs long hair. Not pretty. He's been living on a prayer and some serious residuals for a long time cuz he ain't no CK model.

I asked a mechanic friend (who by the way doesn't have long hair, love heavy metal or drive an 80's car....he does love Larry the Cable Guy though, so we can't totally discount his membership in the mechanic's culture) why the mechanic culture is the way it is. His prompt but mystifying response...."I don't know."
This guy is immersed in the culture on a daily basis, spends more time in it than he does with his kids and he still can't figure it out. I say it's because there is no logic or sense behind it.

So, if anyone out there has any idea why mechanics love those silver silhouette's of naked women or why they only date women they find in bars....we'd all love to be enlightened

Pregnancy synonyms

Okay, having multiple friends who are pregnant has made me do some thinking. Some day I will be pregnant with a little Kevo or Kevina and I have um, shall we say a pet peeve, that I hope to avoid encountering.
Mainly, those stupid pregnancy "nicknames", if you will. For example, 'Prego'. Now seriously folks, do you want to be thought of in relation to a spaghetti sauce? Extra chunky or garden style? I understand that people feel a need to make anything related to babies all cutesy and sweet; I however, am not such a big fan of the current trends.

Or how about 'Preggers'? Anyone else think that sounds like a sorority girl nickname? Or just way too TMZ? "Hi I'm Preggers! I like anything pink and I love fluffy, little puppies who yap all the time. hehe!"

Not that the previous trends are any better. "Hello, I'm 'expecting'." Expecting what? A tip? A compliment? A puppy? A baby shower gift?!?!? Now, I suppose it might make more sense if you said I'm expecting a little girl/boy....but since they haven't always had the sonogram technology that's available today (what the heck is 4-D imaging anyway?!?!?) it was a crapshoot to label the sex.

Then there are the cute little old men that thought it was too intimate to say the word pregnant so they said "in the family way". Personally that's how I refer to my dog when we're trying to load the car for a trip and she's constantly shadowing us. "Nicki, you are totally in the family way!" (fortunately, the vet got her goods long ago so we haven't had to think about it) I've also heard people refering to aging relatives in the same manner....though never in front of the subject!

Of course, we could use "with child" as the Bible does when refering to Mary, mother of Jesus (and I suppose every other pregnant woman.) According to the Online Etymology Dictionary¹ the word pregnant was taboo until about the 1950's (WTH?) so "with child" may have been the most accepted euphemism. We could harken back to the day c. 1800 when the slang was "poisoned" in reference to the swelling or the Old English term "mid-bearne".

Ah yes, how could we forget the esteemed phrase, so glaringly used as a movie title, 'knocked up'. How d'you like that one? Makes you all warm and fuzzy inside doesn't it?

So enough with my diatribe. Not sure I want to go with the French or Norwegian terms, respectively 'enceinte' and 'gravid'....but the German term 'schwanger' at least makes me giggle. I don't think my husband would appreciate "I've been violated" so that's out. But I have always told him that I'm fragile (generally after stubbing my toe or some other bruise inducing behavior) so maybe he'd be okay with "in a delicate condition"? I don't know....since I'm not pregnant maybe it shouldn't be an issue. But some day....until then I think I'll stick with 'gestating'.