Dr. P and the Mystery Twinge

Have you ever cried in front of a stranger and then felt stupid? Did that stranger hand you a box of tissue before the first tear fell because he saw you well up right in front of him? Did he then call you "kiddo" and reassure you that you were in a safe place and to never feel embarassed about crying? Sounds like a pretty great stranger, eh? Well, let me introduce you to my new reproductive endocrinologist...Dr. P. He reminds me a bit of my husband's Uncle G, whom I adore. That was a bit creepy at first, but then I decided I liked the perceived familiarity.
It was a slightly surreal experience, that day in his office. Just before we were called back by a sweet little nurse, I had stopped in the restroom to empty my bladder of all the drinks I had consumed on our 2 hour drive into a whole other state. When I came out, K commented on me rubbing a spot on my tummy. I assured him I was fine, just some of those weird twinges I get around ovulation time. We went straight to Dr. P's office where we small talked about the weather and the drive, before we ended up in an examination room for my annual exam and an ultrasound. During this exam, Dr. P became aware of my "twinges" when he pressed on that area and I flopped on the table a bit. During the ultrasound he had a look and said there was something a little different there but wasn't sure what.
Once we reconvened in his office, he started describing and sketching what my fallopian tubes look like based on my hysterosalpingogram results. As soon as he began describing these results, all the tension and anxiety that had been building for the last 4 weeks, suddenly and without permission, began to release. I hate crying in front of people, not so much because it makes me look weak and girly, but more because I am NOT a pretty crier. My face gets all squinchy and blotchy, my eyes disappear and my nose begins to flow like a faucet. He carried on with the explanations, pausing when the tears got the better of me, and checking to see if we had questions. I told K, that I was depending on him to pay attention and get all the facts cuz I wasn't sure if my emotion was causing some temporary amnesia.
The results...I'm scheduled for a laparoscopy to find out what's going on and fix it, if possible. We'll know a lot more after that.

Good grief!

Who came up with that stupid and oxymoronic phrase?!?!

I have ventured, temporarily I hope, into the anger stage. I'm assuming that I am experiencing the stages of grief, although I can't remember how many there are, or their order. And yet a part of me feels that my psyche is being a bit hasty with this whole grief bit, if in fact that's what this is.

No one has told me that it is hopeless or that I need to give up my dreams - not yet anyway. I will admit I'm preparing for the worst. However, I am most definitely angry.

I am angry that I my body doesn't work the way it was designed to.

I am angry that I have to pay someone to root around "down there" to tell me my body isn't working the way it was designed to.

I'm angry that when most people only need the equipment God gave them to conceive, that I have to pay large quantities of money for "a shot" at pregnancy - not even a sure thing.

I'm angry that my husband has to even consider making a decision that causes him to question his moral stand on a medical procedure.

I'm angry that he didn't automatically say "we'll do whatever we have to".

I'm angry that 14 year old girls who don't have the maturity or the money to raise a child are getting pregnant daily - some against their will.

I'm angry that pregnant women complain about being uncomfortable, when I would trade them places in a nanosecond.

I'm angry at insurance companies and their damn "pre-existing condition" clauses.

I'm angry that I don't get to surprise my family with an unexpected announcement.

Most of all, I'm angry that this is making me so angry!

Okay, I feel better now.

ps - If you are reading this, then you are my friend and know that none of this rant was referring to you.

Delays, Dilemmas and Dissociation

Well, the appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist that was supposed to happen Friday, didn't. Thanks to the local university that I attend full time, my insurance will be changing the second week of August, thereby changing all of our plans. Not only does the insurance coverage change, so will the clinic we will use, the date of our initial visit and quite possibly the amount we will have to pay. The upside is, we may actually be better off with that last change.



I'm surprisingly peaceful at this point. I have established my personal thoughts and beliefs regarding IVF and everything related to this treatment. My husband however, is still on the fence. Poor man, I hurt for him as he struggles to decipher his own feelings while balancing those feelings with his love for me. I've said everything I can say on the subject. We are a team and will make this decision together. I pray that we both settle on the same desire, whatever that may be. Being the consistent, logical and low-key man that he is means he'll most likely reserve judgement until we've heard everything the doctor has to say.



I've recently been doing some research into books and articles written by "christian" authors and am finding through the reviews by readers that there are a lot of very unhappy, disillusioned and grief stricken women traveling the same road that we are. I keep asking myself if there is something wrong with me that I'm not destroyed by this diagnosis. Should I be more upset? Should I be more depressed?



We have a very solid marriage and my husband is my best friend. We love spending time together and are always looking for new ways to have fun and strengthen our relationship. We already are a beautiful family and don't feel that something is "missing" from our lives because we don't have a child. We view children as a wonderful bonus and blessing from God but not as a requirement for happiness or completeness. This certainly doesn't diminish my desire for children any, rather it makes me secure in the knowledge that we offer a strong, loving atmosphere for a child to grow and learn in.



This, paradoxically, leads me to one of my fears...Do I want it bad enough?

Is my peace and contentment with my husband like a jinx to my dream of a child? Or worse yet, is it the Holy Spirit telling me we are meant to be childless and I just haven't recognized his voice yet?

A year or so into our marriage I had this sudden, gut wrenching, to-the-core-of-my-being feeling that I wouldn't be able to have children. Nothing had happened in my life to make me think this way. There was no medical history, personally or ancestrally, that would lead to this conclusion and we hadn't even tried for a baby yet. But there it was. I told my husband about it and being a man (meaning he has never experienced women's intuition), chided me and told me I was being silly. So I put it out of my head as best as I could. Of course it was simmering in the back of my head until one day in the shower (why do all my best talks with God happen in the shower?) I felt as though His voice said to me "I didn't make you wait 30 years for the man I had for you to then deny you the corresponding desire for children". It was liberating, intoxicating and cause for rejoicing! Right up to the moment I was told my tubes were blocked and my husband wasn't sure about "playing God" with medical procedures.



Is this peace I have from God? Or is it simply dissociation?